christmas didn't feel like christmas this year

christmas didnt feel like christmas this year

maybe that’s just what happens when you get older

but, honestly, last year didnt feel like christmas either. or the year before that.

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i think the last time i really felt the “christmas spirit” was when i was 10ish. i loved the rush of excitement as i woke up and realized its only 6am—the earliest ive woken up all year—but didnt even think twice about going back to bed because its christmas! its christmas and i feel bubbly inside because what is there to be sad about, its christmas!

 

maybe little old me didnt understand that christmas time was family time, a time to be happy and bond with your ever loving family members and share your gratitude and affection for each other. thankfully little old me didnt take moms and stepdads yelling as signs of affection (that would've been bad). i guess i was just too little to understand, too naive, too happy. too blinded by the christmas spirit and the overconsumption x superficial culture of it all. watch out little old me (or maybe im just jealous of happy people on christmas).

 

this year i got my stepbrother and his pregnant wife a small dog jellycat—a gift even i would have loved—for their newborn. he got me a scratch ticket and if i “won more than $100 we split it”. i won nothing.

 

maybe im seeking out things to be sad over, maybe the romanticize how depressed you are over the holidays because trauma is a competition got to me.

 

so i guess it wasnt all too bad. as the whole fam was complaining about how much turkey they ate (i had canned veggies) i listened to my silly little romance audiobook and drew my silly little drawing. i laughed when the probably ai narrator described daphnes lust and miles’ erections. i basked in the feeling of not needing to do anything (i have like 10 uni essays to write by next week). i listened to a nonsense christmas by sabrina carpenter. i did do some void instagram scrolling, making me feel numb as i saw families smiling in front of their gorgeous christmas tree, holding presents they seem to genuinely enjoy. i mean good for them. my favourite present this year was probably lester’s. he got me a plant based ethically sourced bar of soap. i dont really care for bars of soap but competition wasnt too rough.

 

see now i feel like im just complaining. should i have brought down my share of turkey dinner to the guy sleeping outside, the snow (what everyone had wished for) half freezing him to death? now im just being a ‘moral elitist’ and probably condescending. or maybe im too young to know what to really do or what is really right. maybe nothing is truly inherently right but now i sound like a stupid privileged philosopher who capitalizes on others suffering because oh no despite me living in a couple million dollar home there is noo way i would let classism slide.

 

ha. now im just talking for talks sake. but something that really sums up my feelings about the holidays is that big theif song, esp the part that goes “watching the spit fly and humming bird chime” or when conan gray days “its hard to put it into words how the holidays will always hurt” except isnt that what i just did, put it into words?

 

whatever. i cant wait till im older and maybe i have a family and i can create my own christmas culture, where the spit fly and humming bird charm, and the holidays feel warm and cozy and ten year old (yes i used that as an adjective) and if i write in my notes app ill be smiling and think back to this moment and say oh man. little old me grew up.